In June, a month after Ellis was stillborn, we took him back up to Enchanted Rock. This time, instead of carrying him in my belly, Hunter carried Ellis in a tiny silver urn tucked away in his backpack.

Grief, Pregnancy LossTaylorFebruary 20, 2019grief, pregnancy loss, stillbirth, spirituality Comment

Ellis' Rainbows 2/5: The Rainbow

There were no windows in the triage room but unbeknownst to me, a severe thunderstorm was pummeling the ground outside.

Grief, Pregnancy LossTaylorFebruary 19, 2019grief, pregnancy loss, stillbirth, spiritualityComment

Ellis' Rainbows 1/5: The Storm

I realize I haven’t fully told you the story of Ellis’ rainbows yet. I’ve been writing about them for months now and can’t cull the story down to just one post, so I’ll share a piece every day this week.

Grief, Pregnancy LossTaylorFebruary 18, 2019grief, pregnancy loss, stillbirthComment

A More Difficult Journey

Pregnancy is not for the faint of heart. Social media can make it seem like everyone gets pregnant easily and nine months later, voila, healthy baby!

Six Months, Six Lessons

Today marks six months since Ellis died. Here are six (of many) things I’ve learned:

Grief, Pregnancy LossTaylorNovember 20, 2018grief, pregnancy loss, stillbirthComment

Día de los Angelitos

Today is Día de los Angelitos, a special day connected with Día de los Muertos to remember children who have died. I’m grateful that such a beautiful tradition was created and I share in it with reverence.

Grief, Pregnancy LossTaylorNovember 1, 2018grief, pregnancy loss, stillbirth Comment

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

Two people sent me pictures of the same rainbow this evening because it made them think of Ellis. This made my heart swell. I think of him every day.

Grief, Pregnancy LossTaylorOctober 1, 2018pregnancy loss, stillbirth, grief Comment

Storms

It’s been storming all week in San Antonio and I can’t help but think of the night we said goodbye to Ellis. That evening brought not only an emotional storm, but an actual thunderstorm as well.

Grief, Pregnancy LossTaylorSeptember 11, 2018pregnancy loss, grief, stillbirthComment

My House

We are currently renovating this 111 year old house. The first time I went inside I knew it had good energy. I’ve since met many people who fondly remember the previous owner…

Grief, Pregnancy LossTaylorAugust 24, 2018stillbirth, grief, pregnancy loss Comment

Three Months

Today marks three months since Ellis left my body and this earth. It’s hard to make sense of that amount of time—it feels both long and short.

Grief, Pregnancy LossTaylorAugust 20, 2018stillbirth, grief, pregnancy lossComment

Letter To Ellis

Today was Ellis’ due date. We’re at the beach, a special place for us, and will spread some of his ashes in the ocean tonight. A month ago we took some of his ashes to Enchanted Rock overlooking the Texas Hill Country and read letters to him written by me, Hunter, and our families.

Grief, Pregnancy LossTaylorJuly 21, 2018stillbirth, pregnancy loss, grief Comment

Positivity

It’s been two months since Ellis died. This is the week he was supposed to be born—this Saturday, July 21st. Instead of the exciting anticipation of labor, his due date now brings pangs of sadness and longing for what might have been.

Grief, Pregnancy LossTaylorJuly 18, 2018stillbirth, grief, pregnancy loss Comment

Before and After

Zelda and I returned back to work this week at Artpace San Antonio. It feels like I’m re-entering the “real world”.

Pregnancy Loss, GriefTaylorJuly 5, 2018stillbirth, pregnancy loss, griefComment

Father's Day

To Hunter, the father of our son: After Ellis died you wondered aloud if we could be considered parents without having yet parented a child; ours died in my womb before we had the chance.

Pregnancy Loss, GriefTaylorJune 17, 2018stillbirth, grief, pregnancy lossComment

On Grief

They say grief is non-linear, though my Type A personality wants to believe it’s possible to graduate from one stage to the next. I experienced the first stage of grief, shock, when the doctor first told me, “I’m sorry, your baby does not have a heartbeat.”

Grief, Pregnancy LossTaylorJune 2, 2018grief, pregnancy loss, stillbirthComment