Book Review: Finding Hope When a Child Dies

Early in my grief after stillbirth, I read a book titled Finding Hope When a Child Dies. Its main thesis resonated with me and has continued to define my experience of grief—that the death of a child (or anything that we love deeply) is an initiation of sorts.

The author, Susie Miller, points out that we have no language for parents of children who die (such as widow or widower). Through her research of other cultures, she goes on identify these parents as “initiated.”

“It is not just the death of a child that constitutes initiation, but the whole experience...of shock, questioning, guilt, rage, despair, loneliness, emptiness and finally [sometimes years later] the beginning of acceptance and the gradual reentry into life—a different life, with different expectations.”

Essentially, this initiation is dying before we actually die.

The eight themes of traditional initiation ceremonies listed in the book are: “(1) Initiation may be voluntary or not. (2) Initiation must be experienced ‘in person’; that is, we can’t be initiated by reading about it or filling out an application and being chosen. (3) Initiation requires witnesses. (4) Initiation includes chaos. (5) Initiation requires courage. (6) Initiation requires blood sacrifice. (7) Initiation requires a period of isolation. (8) Initiation includes the death of an aspect of oneself.”

It felt like I died when Ellis died. In fact, I knew at that point that there was no going back to the person I was before. Now, nearly two years later, I can really see the fruits of my initiation.

I always find it tricky to express my gratitude for this because I don’t want to imply that I am grateful Ellis died. Rather, his death is a fact I cannot change and I am grateful for the death of my old self that resulted.

My old self relied much more on my personal resources and earthly sense of control. My old self believed that by nurturing my health and wellness I could somehow be immune from suffering. My old self relied on “me.”

Now I’m much more accustomed to relying on my Center—where my spirit and connection to source resides. When I experience anxiety or pain I remember that this is part of being human.

And I remember that in addition to my humanity I am also divine—I am one piece of a connected whole. I rely on something greater than myself.

Amid the COVID-19 pandemic, we are all experiencing an initiation right now through our collective suffering and the death of life as we knew it. We will eventually return, but we will be forever changed. 

It’s a little easier for me to find peace in this chaos because I’ve been through an initiation before—it’s familiar. I feel a softness toward it instead of the overwhelming need to question, blame, and pushback I had the first time. I can choose to surrender. I know that peace is always near.