Pregnancy Tests

Why do they package these things like candy? They can be so alluring and addictive.

I’ve had a tumultuous relationship with these sticks. I remember the elation I felt the first time I saw two pink lines wash over the test screen when I learned I was pregnant with Ellis after only a few months of trying. Impressively I had the self control to wait four days after my period was due before testing.

After Ellis was stillborn I became more reliant on the tests to ease my anxiety during the two week wait. I’d order a 3-pack each month and begin testing several days before my period was due. That’s also when I started catching my chemical pregnancies (when an embryo forms but doesn’t implant).

Then one day, about a year ago, I saw those two strong pink lines show up again. However this time the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks.

When we started trying again I’d buy a couple packs of these things at a time and would track my faint line progressions until they ultimately ended with my period. I had a total of four chemical pregnancies in less than a year.

That’s when we finally saw a fertility doctor and started IVF. With my first frozen embryo transfer I waited until the evening before my blood test to take a home pregnancy test. I was shocked and crushed to see a negative result—not even a faint second line like I was used to.

This cycle I want to test at home again before my blood test. IVF is so clinical and controlled that it makes me yearn for things to feel simple again—there’s something so “normal” about learning you’re pregnant in the comfort of your own bathroom.

I only bought one test this cycle so that I wouldn’t be tempted to test early, but the temptation is still there. I’m resisting until I get closer to my blood test. It feels good to take back this power and, in a small way, reinforces just how strong I am.