31 Weeks Pregnant

A “Cold front” in Texas means I get to bust out my maternity jeans for the first time during this pregnancy. The last time I wore them was when I was 31 weeks pregnant with Ellis, the week he was stillborn. 

And now, here I am, 31 weeks pregnant with his little brother. I’ve been feeling lots of emotions this week—everything from peace, grief, joy, connection, anxiety, and restlessness. The layers of time and memory are acutely visceral.

A simple act of wearing the same jeans makes me feel both connected to Ellis and also anxious that somehow the same thing that happened to him might happen again. Logically I know that is irrational but that’s how trauma can manifest. 

Still, I’m choosing to wear the jeans and focus on the connectedness they help me to feel. I have absolutely sensed Ellis’ presence this week and for that I am grateful.