My Thoughts On Hope

I’ve been struggling lately to maintain my hope. It’s been two weeks since our failed IVF cycle and I’ve felt pretty empty. I know the odds—we have a 70-80% chance of success with each frozen embryo transfer—I just honestly didn’t believe that we’d get the bad odds, again. After a stillbirth, a miscarriage, four chemical pregnancies, and now a failed IVF cycle, (all unexplained) it takes a lot of practice and intention to cultivate hope.

My meditations this past week included “Reflections on the Unknowable" by Thomas Keating. What I took away is that hope shouldn’t be based on one particular thing happening, but rather on having faith in the present moment—that God or spirit is working for our greatest good. We have to trust in this even if things don’t appear to be going our way.

There’s evidence of this in the world at large, that even when things aren’t going well—bushfires and planes being shot down—there’s always a force of good appearing in the tragedy. I don’t believe God causes bad things to happen, or the reverse, chooses not to prevent them, but rather I believe God’s spirit is present to mourn along with us and walk us through troubling times.

Here is the meditation from Keating: “Let whatever is happening happen and go on happening. Welcome whatever it is. Let go into the present moment by surrendering to its content … The diving energies are rushing past us at every nanosecond of time. Why not reach out and catch them by continuing acts of self-surrender and trust in God?”

My hope is slowly reemerging as we approach our next transfer cycle in the next couple weeks. We have three healthy frozen embryos remaining. Of course I want this cycle to result in a healthy baby, but I’m trying to focus my hope in something greater—that I will be surrounded by loving energy every step of the way, no matter what happens.